Saturday, December 10, 2011

Pouring out the mess

"While it may be true to some degree that we can't help the way we feel,
the truth is that we don't have to let our feelings run our lives."
~Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A little over a month ago, I had been denying my feelings of disappointment, anger, and just pure sadness pertaining to the unknown end to our waiting process. Denying these feelings was an emotionally dangerous place to be, and yet I kept going there.

"Our agency has lengthen our proposed wait time, but we're doing okay."
"We're fine, really."

If I said either of these statements (or something similar) to you, I was lying. Yep, it's true, I flat out lied to you, and for my dishonesty, I'm sorry. The truth is, I was not okay, nor was I doing "fine." While going through my day to day routine outwardly unchanged, inwardly I was creeping toward my emotional-worst...except I was trying SO hard to ignore the feelings inside. Ignorance is not bliss however and I became an ugly mess the week of Thanksgiving, as my heart (& eyes) began spilling out all the hurt I had been trying to hide.  That week, I went to Heart to Heart (a bible study for moms, or moms-to-be in my case), and the ever-so-fitting topic was "Managing your Emotions and Not The Other Way Around." Wow, was that discussion pointing directly at me! I am so thankful for the timeliness of God's provisions in my life. At a time when I was feeling so discouraged, He used the wise and honest words of our group leader to breathe truth back into my soul. I realized that I had not only been dishonest about my feelings with family and friends, but I was withholding my true emotion from The One who created me. The One who knit me together, The One who knows the number of hairs on my head, The One who knows the number of my days was being denied an intimate look at my heart, which in turn was denying me of the healing that needed to take place.

"Ultimately, The Enemy wants to keep us all riled up,
unable to deepen relationships and build upon what God has called us to do."
 ~ Sherilyn Jameson (my amazing H2H teacher)

How true and how sad. I was allowing myself to believe lies from Satan instead of searching for The Truth. Instead of believing that God wants to walk with me, even through these days of disappointment, I began to withdraw (ever so slightly) from my conversations with him. He NEVER wants this from his children. He wants us to stop pretending we can do everything on our own and get real with him.

Even when it's UGLY.
Especially when it's UGLY.

He longs for us to pour out our hearts about ALL things. That night, I poured out my heart...thank you, Sherilyn for listening (even when I was blubbering unrecognizable words!), and God has started some heart healing in my life. In the weeks that followed, I believe he prompted many of you to check in on us as we received SO many phone calls, emails, and fb messages, encouraging us in our wait. Thank you for your continued prayers; God is using you to help us more than you may ever know.

Psalm 62:5-8 (Amplified)
"My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him. He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. With God rests my salvation and my glory; He is my Rock of unyielding strength and impenetrable hardness, and my refuge is in God! Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heats before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower.)"

Over the past month, I have experienced incredible (daily) restoration because of my new willingness to pour out my heart and allow God to use my brokenness to draw me closer to him. He wants to use whatever we're going through to shine his glory...even when we ourselves can't see beyond the messiness of life. Pour out your heart to him. He already knows, understands, and longs for us to pour it ALL out: the good, the bad, the ugly (and the really ugly!). Whatever you're facing now, whether your life is going exactly as you planned or if you're caught in a whirlwind of uncertainty, I want to encourage you to pour it out and allow him to use your life for his glory this coming year.

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